While proudly showing of his new apartment to friends one night a ticked-off Ted led the way to his bedroom where pride of place was given to a large brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the speaking clock',"Ted replied.
"How does it work?
"I'll show you," Ted said, giving it an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded dodger.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For goodness sake you idiot, it's 2 o'clock in the morning!"
During the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.
"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."
At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. They followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.
"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."
Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.
Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."
"What does she read?" asks Morris.
"My life insurance policy."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."