Weird Facts

1. Butterflies taste with their feet.
2. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
3. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
4. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
5. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
6. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
7. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.
8. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
9. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
10. A snail can sleep for three years..
11. No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
12. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
13. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
14. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
15. If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
16. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
17.

The Wit and Class of a Filipino

A Filipino walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to the Philippines on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Filipino hands over the keys of a new Ferrari.The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.The Filipino produces the title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Pinoy for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Pinoy returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"The Pinoy replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

FIVE (5) lessons to make you think about the way we treat people.

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:
"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school? "

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. " In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say " hello".
I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
2 - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in the conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him.
Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached.
It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
"Fifty cents," replie d the waitress.
The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.
"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied
The little boy again counted his coins.
"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.
You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.
I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.
He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away."
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.


You think You KNOW Everything?SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
Would you stick around to find out? A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
Who did this study?A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
Bidding Higher One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
Quick Quotes "According to the energy department, high gas prices may be around for the next six months. After that they'll be followed by really high gas prices." --Jay Leno
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"President Bush has pledged to grant millions of dollars in tax breaks to national casino companies rushing to rebuild casinos along the Gulf Coast, giving residents who haven't already lost their house a chance to do so." --Daily Show commentator Lewis Black
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"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me." --Unknown
Wrong Number A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" the caller inquired, puzzled in her turn.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
The Race... Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!" Learning from the Past... In 1923, Who Was...?
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 82 years later, history tells us what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
So, what became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, and died in 1999 at the ripe old age of 95! He was *very* financially secure at the time of his death.
The moral here:
Forget work.
Play golf!
Quick Quotes "Oh my God! Do you believe these fires?! People are doing whatever they can to stay safe. Like today William Shatner switched to an asbestos toupee." --Jay Leno
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"It's year 5766 according to the Jewish calendar -- and I'm still writing 5765 on my checks!" --Dave Letterman
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"Republican majority leader Tom DeLay was indicted and he was stripped of his congressional leadership powers. When asked what it feels like to lose all his power, DeLay said, 'I feel like a Democrat.'" --Conan O'Brien
Cleaning House A poem for the Internet Addict...
I asked the Lord to tell meWhy my house is such a mess.He asked if I'd been 'puting, And I had to answer "yes."
He told me to get off my buttAnd tidy up the house. And so I started cleaning up... The smudges off my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside. That really did the trick...I was just admiring my work... I didn't mean to 'click.'
But click, I did, and oops I found A real absorbing site That I got SO way into... I was into it all night. (Sigh)
Nothing's changed except my mouse It's very, very shiny. I guess my house will stay a mess... While I sit here and surf the Internet
Job Interview The employer asked the applicant, "I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."
Battling Egos A bishop, a judge, and a conductor were discussing their careers, and got into an argument about which of them was the greatest.
The judge said, "When I step into the courtroom, everyone stands to pay me respect."
The bishop said, "They stand? I have people kneel before me and kiss my ring."
To which the conductor replied, "Ha! I got you both beat. When I step on the podium people look down, cover their eyes, and say 'Oh my God!' Interesting Pets A man is driving down the highway and passes a state motorcycle officer.
The officer notices the man and also sees that he has 4 penguins in the backseat of the car. The officer chases down the car and pulls the man over, and after a short inspection of the vehicle says to the driver "what are you doing with 4 penguins in your car?"
To which the man replies "Just taking them for a ride officer."
Visibly upset, the cop instructs the man to take the penguins to the zoo.
The next day the same man is driving down the same highway and is spotted by the same motorcycle cop. Again the cop gives chase and pulls the car over and upon inspection sees the same 4 penguins in the backseat only this time the penguins are wearing bright colored swim trunks and sun glasses.
The cop, really ticked off this time, says, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday"
The man smiles and replies, "I did! They liked that so much that today I decided to take them to the beach!"
Tech Support and Customer Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me exactly what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click.'"
Quick Quotes "The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down the doctor's bills like anything." --Mark Twain
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"The Constitution of the United States of America, Article V, Section 1: There shall be a National Anthem containing in-comprehensible words and a high note that normal humans can not hit without risk of a hernia." --Dave Barry
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Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said "Let's play doctor."
"Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."
Hospital Report An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work.
He looked quite concerned at one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought.
Philosophy and the Talented Doggie An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
Another Talented Pet There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her.
On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.
A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her.
"Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious."
"WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it! That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!"
The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"
Quick Quotes "In New York a man has set the Guinness World Record for being a couch potato. He spent 68 hours and 48 minutes straight watching TV. So nice to see FEMA director Mike Brown landing on his feet." --Jay Leno
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"Martha Stewart is with us tonight and she's going to show us how to dig a tunnel with a melon baller." --David Letterman
Captain's Mystery Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.
Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters.
He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:
Port LeftStarboard Right
The Pirate A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the sailor asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."
Baseball... Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.
Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol ... Sol ..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes, it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
More Baseball Humor Jimmy Piersall, on how to diaper a baby:
"Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond, with you at bat.
Then, fold second-base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound.
Put first-base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together.
Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call-the-game and start all over again."

Somewhere in Milaor, Camarines Sur, there lived a fourth grader boy who would follow this route to school everyday: He has to cross the rugged plains and cross the dangerous highway where vehicles are recklessly> driving to and from. Once past this highway, the boy would take a short cut, passing by the Church every morning just to say Hi to God, and faithfully say his, "Magandang umaga po" in Bicol dialect. He was faithfully being watched by a Priest who was happy to find innocence so uplifting in the morning, "Kamusta, Andoy? Papasok ka na?" "Opo padre ... " he would flash his innocent grin, the priest would be touched. He was so concerned that one day he talked to Andoy. "From school...", he advised "Do not cross the highway, you can pass through the Church and I can accompany you to the other side of the road ...that way I can see that you are home safe...." "Thank you father ..." "Why don't you go home ... do you stay in this church right after> school?" "I just want to say "Hi" to my friend, God," and the priest would leave the boy to spend time beside the altar, talking to himself, but the priest was hiding behind the altar to listen to what this boy has to say to his heavenly FATHER. "You know my math exam was pretty bad today, but I did not cheat although my seatmate is bullying me for notes... I ate one cracker and drank my water, Itay had a bad season and all I can eat is this cracker. Thank you for this! I saw a poor kitten who was hungry and I know how he feels so I gave my last cracker to him ... funny but I am not that hungry. Look, this is my last pair of slippers ...I may have to walk barefoot next week, you see this is about to be broken... but it is okay ....at least I am still going to school.... Some say we will have a hard season this month, some of my classmates have already stopped going to school ... please help them get to school again, please God? ...Oh, you know, Inay hit me again, it is painful, but I know this pain will pass> away, at least I still have a mother.... God, you want to see my bruises? I know you can heal them.... Here... here and .... oh ...blood ... I guess you knew about this one huh? Please don't be mad at Inay, she is just tired and she worries for the food in our table and my schooling that is why she hits us ....Oh, I think I am in love ... there's this pretty girl in my class, her name is Anita ... do you think she will like me? Anyway, at least I know you will always like me, I> don't have to be anybody just to please you, you are my very best friend! Hey your birthday is two days from now!!! Aren't you excited? I am! Wait till you see, I have a gift for you .... but it is a surprise! I hope you will like it! Oooops, I have to go ..." then he stood up and calls out, "Padre, padre, I am finished talking to my friend ... you can accompany me to the other side of the road now" This routine happens everyday. Andoy never fails. Father Agaton shares this every Sunday to the people in his church because he has not seen a very pure faith and trust in God, a very positive look at negative situations. One Christmas day, Father Agaton was sick so he could not make it in the Church, he was sent to the hospital. The Church was left to 4 manangs who would chant the rosary in 1000 miles per hour, would not smile and would always find fault in what you do, they were also very well versed in cursing if you irritate them! They were kneeling, saying their> kilometric rosary when Andoy, coming from his Christmas party, playfully> dashed in.>>> "Hello God! I ...." "P----!! (a curse) bata ka!! Alam mo nang may nagdadasal!! Alis!!" Poor Andoy was so terrified, "Where's Father Agaton? He is supposed to> help me cross the street .... and to be able to cross the street I will have to pass by the back door of this church ...not only that, I have to> greet Jesus. It is His birthday, I have a gift right here...." Just as he was about to get the gift out of his shirt, the manang pulled his shirt and threw him out of the church. "Susmaryosep!!! (does the sign of the cross fervently) Alis kang bata ka, kung hindi matatamaan ka!!! So the boy had no choice but to cross the dangerous side of the road in front of the church. He crossed. A fast moving bus came in. There was a blind curve. The boy was protecting his gift inside his shirt, so he was not looking. There was so little time. Andoy died on the spot. A lot of people crowded the poor boy, the body of a lifeless young boy ... Suddenly, out of nowhere a tall man in a pure white shirt and pants, a face so mild and gentle, but with eyes full of tears... He came and> carried the boy in His arms. He was crying. Curious bystanders nudged> the man in white, and asked, "Excuse me sir, are you related to this child?> Do you know this child?" The man in white, His face mourning and in agony, looked up and> answered, "He was my best friend .... " was all he said. He took the badly wrapped gift in the bloody chest of the lifeless boy, and placed it near His> heart. He stood up and carried the boy away and they both disappeared in sight. The crowd was curious ... On Christmas Eve, Father Agaton learned of the shocking news. He visited the house, and wanted to verify about the man in white. He consulted the> parents of Andoy. "How did you know that your son died?" "A man in white brought him here." sobbed the mother.> "What did he say?" The father answered, "He did not say anything. He was mourning. We do not know him and yet he was very lonely about our son's death, as if he> knew our son very well. But there was something peaceful and> unexplainable about him. He gave me my son, and then he smiled> peacefully. He brushed my son's hair away from his face and kissed him> on his forehead, then he whispered something ...">>> "What did he say?"> "He said to my boy..." the father began, "Thank you for the gift ... I> will see you soon ... you will be with me..." and the father of the boy> continued, "and you know for a while, it felt so wonderful ... I cried,> but I do not know why....all I know is I cried tears of joy ... I could> not explain it, Father, but when that man left, something peaceful came> over me, I felt a deep sense of love inside ... I could not explain the> joy in my heart, I knew my boy is in heaven now but...tell me, Father,> who is this man that my son talks to everyday in your church, you should> know because you are always there ... except at the time of his death> ....">>> Father Agaton suddenly felt the tears welling in his eyes, with> trembling knees, he murmurred, " ... He was talking to no one ..... but> .. GOD...."

Dear Husband
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that youhad quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you camehome and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cookedyour favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cryfrom what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out yourconstant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut offall of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You lookjust like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't sayanything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten meconfused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the pricetag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Every- thing happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

The Pope and the Limo

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and >he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the lim! o to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.) "Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.>> The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!">>"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: " The Governor?"Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "The President?">Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

5 Don'ts when you are sleeping

DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH
Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity.Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time, itmight have adverse effects on your health.

DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA
Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bedwithout it.

DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE
Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is notencouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, butplease put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved thatelectrical items including mobile phone and television sets emitmagnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to ournervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mobile phone near you,switch it off first.

DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP
People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the longrun. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty inbreathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longertime to go into deep sleep.

DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE
You may never wake up again.